When you finally go.

When will you go? When will I go?

Been wanting to blog about this ever since the March holidays, but can't seem to match time with mood. In case you still don't get it, i'm talking about deaths in this post.

In all honesty, i'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of dying. There are things i want to do, but what if i leave without accomplishing them? Will i regret it? Or will i lose my memories and just "disappear"? I don't know. The people around me? What will they be thinking? "Finally? Don't wanna see his face anyway". What'll my parents think? Will i have wasted the time they spent on me, when they could've spent it on my brother? Am i just wasting resources? During my upper primary years, i used to spend my nights thinking about the responses of people around me if i were to die; who would be crying for me, who would attend me funeral. Then, i'll think of all their sad faces, especially my parents. Apparently, i spent nights falling asleep like that with a wet pillow.

In all honesty, i'm afraid of death. I'm afraid that those around me will die. I realised this during ADC(NCC). When we were being pushed to our limits, some of us had "difficulties". One particular incident was one of the nights, when one of us suddenly lost it. He was physically fit, but he could not breathe properly. He was taken out, and our backs were facing him. The feeling then was fucking terrible even though i wasn't him. He was trying to catch his breath, and he was crying. Crying. The fucking shit feeling was realising what i did during the incident. The guy in front of me looked passed me at the sick guy. Guess what i did/said? "Hey, don't look" and he just walked to him, while i stood there. I fucking stood there. What the fuck was i thinking. Did i lose the humanity in me just to obey orders? Then, I knew that the people in charge could handle it, and i didn't want to obstruct them in ways that i would further regret. However, that guy was basically on the verge of dying. It really made me think, what would i have done in a war situation. Would i have abandoned a comrade or would i stop to help?

Just what the fuck am i?